All(th)ebest Moments: July 9: Kids at Oxford Camps, Erik at work, Amy in No-Mans Land

Lindsay's report from camp:

She is the only student in her Classical Mythology class, and her young, fun, Irish teacher made the discussion so engaging that she says she might want to study Mythology in college. Her World Wars History class was a two-hour-long lecture with no class discussion, so that was boring. Lots of American kids. "Lucy and I are being nice to each other, don't worry Mom," she said. Those two have been joined at the hip lately so I wasn't too worried, but didn't know how the big sister - little sister dynamic would be so I gave them a big talking-to before they left. :)

Lucy's report from camp:

She's the only one in her Shakespeare class, which like Lindsay, she actually loves! Not what I imagined, but she'll learn a ton, having a private Shakespeare tutor! And then she says there are a bunch of really nice girls in her Tudor History class. She texted photos of the lamp post, lion, and faun on campus that C.S. Lewis claimed inspired his Narnia story. They did a ghost tour at night which was silly but fun. Lindsay texted "lots of cute boys," to which Lucy quickly countered, "not true."

Sophie's report from camp:

Loved her first day of Writing. They did free writing without editing, something she described as "word vomit." Then after awhile of that they started discussing character development. She loved it! She said she's met some nice girls but even the twelve-year-olds seem very immature to her. I'm afraid she's feeling a little lonely and definitely more mature than everyone else. Plus yesterday she texted that Stone had been throwing pieces of plastic and cucumber at her and wouldn't stop.

Stone's report from camp:

"Every single other person at this camp has a phone, Mom," Stone said, which I thought sounded like an exaggeration but Sophie confirmed was true. Apparently his roommates kept him up until 4:00 am playing FIFA on their phones, which ticked me off because the camp information said that the camp counselors kept all the students' phones except during small amounts of free time. I called the camp afterward and learned that they had let those boys keep it as an alarm so they could wake up at sunrise for their morning prayers. They were apparently going to buy the boys and alarm for the next night. I love that Stone is rooming with devout Muslim boys, but I really really hope he can go to sleep after being woken up for prayers. :/ Stone's ADHD and misophonia symptoms and just his mood are a lot worse when he doesn't sleep so I'm pretty stressed about it. And I'm waiting to see how this whole ubiquitous phone thing works out. I didn't send him to a fancy summer camp so he could play games on a screen, and I kind of can't believe they allow it. The poor kid has already read both of the books he brought and he's stuck on his Rubick's cube so he doesn't really know what to do during free time when everyone else is playing on their devices. At least he said he likes his Tech class - they're coding using Python and are learning how to make robots communicate with computers, which he is really excited about.

Erik's report from our Oxford house

I don't know what he would say exactly. He's loving CrossFit. He worked a lot, taking breaks to wash and hang up laundry (no dryer here). He says he feels weird without the kids but is enjoying the break. He has been sooooooo soooooo nice to me. He knows I'm having a hard time and he keeps giving me hugs and telling me things he loves about me.

Amy's report from our Oxford house

This was not a good time for us to simulate an empty nest, since Lindsay is actually leaving in one year. All day I felt like I was going to sob, and I told Erik I want to sell the house the minute Stone graduates from high school because walking past their empty rooms is going to be like punching an open wound. At night I kept thinking "are the kids too hot? Are the kids ok?" and whereas I would normally go check on them in their sleep, there was no one for me to take care of and I could barely keep from crying. I keep wanting to text the girls to ask about their classes and who they're meeting and what they're eating and tell them what I'm doing, but I stop myself because I realize that that's me needing them to fill a void that is not theirs to fill. I decided not to do my own Oxford class this week because I thought I would want the break in order to write and spend time with Erik, but I think I should have done the class. The empty time and the empty house make me feel like I'm floating in space with no tether.

I'm also aware nearly every moment that in addition to losing Lindsay in a year (and that that loss is the beginning of the end), I am also losing Christie in a month. It has been a possibility for so long that I kind of got used to it, but now that it's real I feel gutted. So many aspects of my daily life are going to be different now - church, exercise, time in nature, just my feeling of belonging in my community in general. I don't know what any of that will look like without Christie. She teaches me so much and helps me to grow. She helps me see things in new ways. She makes me laugh. She listens when I need to talk, and she talks while I listen. And now she'll be gone. I just read an old blog post about why we moved back to Northern California, and I kept repeating the phrase "friends who know and love us, and we know and love them." I never would have guessed then that the Kellers, the Archibalds, and now the Skousens would soon be gone.

Anyway, I worked on the blogs and did some needed trip-planning and emails and blah blah blah but I felt worried about the kids and lost and empty and stupid for feeling worried, lost, and empty when I'm in this beautiful place with all this freedom. It reminded me of when I was in Jerusalem and Erik had just left for Argentina and I looked out at the blazing sunset over the golden city through my window and was too depressed to go outside. I remember thinking "you might never come back here again, Amy - get out into that city!!" and I did force myself out, and in a couple of weeks I felt better.

Anyway, Erik and I went out for another disappointing dinner - we better get some good food in Oxford soon!! :) - and then came home intending to watch a movie but a work situation blew up so he was on the computer for the rest of the evening, which would have been bummer EXCEPT that Lulu called, so I changed out of my pj's and went for a long walk while we talked. I let out the tears that have been building up, and she listened and talked me through everything and I told her about my life and my kids and she told me about her life and her kids. And like magic, just like I always do when I talk with my sisters, I came home feeling restored, healed, cheered, and comforted.

And one more thing: thank goodness yet again for my master's program. I am enjoying the Summer break but am getting antsy to see the course selection and to get reading for my Fall class. I can't even imagine what my life would feel like if I didn't have this meaningful endeavor to challenge me and engage my energy while me kids are at school and as they begin to leave home. I am SO GRATEFUL that I am in a program I love with people I respect and enjoy, on track towards a job and career. And I am so glad that I started it when I did. My kids' launches are going to be incredibly hard for me, but at least I already have some momentum on my own runway so that we can all launch into new adventures side by side. All of us working, all of us learning, all of us engaged in the world. Of course this isn't to say that my particular path is the best path for everyone - I just feel grateful to have identified the next step that feels right for me, and to be able to pursue it.

No wallowing or puttering or languishing for me!! Onward and upward!!