Two steps forward, one step back, a few steps every which way

I miss Erik! Chess.com employs people all over the world, but the majority of the work still has to get done in America, which means Erik is free a lot during the day (but he spends the morning at Cross-Fit and then I'm helping the kids), but has to work from about 6:00 until late. No daddy at dinner, bath and bed-time, and no Erik-Amy time after the kids are in bed. This is turning out to be tiring for me, especially since Sophie and Stone are hitting brain-bursting exhaustion by 7 pm each night and I still can't quite figure out what to make for dinner. Last night while Erik worked I took everyone (meaning we walked) to a nearby cafe, where Stone had a lying-on-the-ground melt-down and every word Sophie spoke was either whined or yelled, and I'm pretty sure both of them only ate white bread, potato chips and ice cream for dinner (though I don't really know - it's a blur). I got everyone in bed but then had phone calls and paperwork to do for school and Erik had work so after I was done we exchanged a tired "good night" high five and I went in to bed - I have no idea when he came in. We'll get used to it and create some solutions once we get out of school-starting survival mode!

Speaking of that, Stone had the worst separation yet at school this morning. He rode happily in his stroller all the way there, but clung to my neck again and his teacher took him into class not crying but SCREAMING. I stood outside the door with my hands over my face and my soul ripping in half. I walked home feeling a condensed, abbreviated version of the experience I'd had on Tuesday - I cried, I searched my soul and wondered if I was doing the right thing, I felt comfort that he was ok. And he was fine when I went to pick him up - he told me he had played soccer with Manuel and I had a momentary flash of hope that he had made a friend... but it was just the friendly, wonderful school security guard. Sigh.

While he was at school I went grocery shopping at the farmer's market inside the old train station right by our house - it was fantastic and the prices unbelievable. We had invited our American friends over for dinner so I needed lots of veggies and meat for ginger beef, and I also picked up a big basket of bread and the most delicious Manchego cheese (Lindsay's favorite - it's hard and aged like Parmesan or Gouda). My plan had been to drop off the groceries in the fridge, do some house-cleaning and dinner prep, and then meet Nicole at a Ballet school to check it out for Lucy and Nicole's daughters. When I showed up at home I had no house key and Erik was at Cross Fit... so I was locked out with tons of groceries, no car, and no neighbors or friends nearby. I called Nicole to see if I could drop some things off in her fridge, and she said of course... but I'd never been there before and it's a long walk. At this point I wrote the following text to Erik, which he made me promise to write on the blog because he got a kick out of it. :/

"Everything is harder here. It's hard to figure out where the bus stop is, catch a new bus, watch other people in line to see how the bus fare cards work, ask other passengers in not-your-native-language where the bus stop is, lug groceries around, all the while feeling my heart ripped out because my boy is crying for me. Why did we do this?? Why did I want to give birth with no epidural?? Why did you want to run 36 miles over mountains?? Why do we continually exchange comfort for difficulty??

Learning and finding inner strength are over-rated. Living deliberately sucks - give me my minivan and Trader Joe's!"

(We have license plate covers that say "LIVE DELIBERATELY.")

This was tongue-in-cheek but I was hot, sweaty and grumpy and really truly curious about why certain types of challenges are so appealing to us. I guess it's nice that we're similar - it would be really hard if only one of us were this nuts.

Two highlights of the day: We found a Ballet school that we think will work for our girls, and then our friends came over this afternoon for a really, really REALLY fun dinner and play time. This couple is so special - smart, interesting, warm, down-to-earth, wise, and raising impressively talented, well-behaved and delightful children. I can't describe what a blessing they have been for us.

Our table was meant for this large, happy crew

Some friends have asked me what my plans are for the hours that the kids are in school. I certainly wasn't planning on spending that time washing dishes and folding laundry while I'm on my own personal "Study Abroad." I will make an itinerary for myself as soon as Stone gets settled. When he is upset I can't think about anything else and I find myself wanting to be at home in my nest, making his bed and hanging up his clothes and feeling connected to him... that helps me feel like I'm not abandoning him completely. So I'm praying that he finds his feet soon... and then I'll feel free to let mine take me to some amazing places!