Second Day of School

First of all, since I sent a "First Day of School" email with the blog link yesterday, I have received so many comments and emails of love and encouragement. Thank you so much, my dear, dear friends. I fell asleep with a heavy heart last night, and when I woke up this morning I felt a little better but I kept almost reaching for my phone or wanting to tie up my shoes for a run with a friend... I needed a hug and a talk!! Erik has been wonderful, and to be honest it's been a powerful experience for me to be relying only on myself, my husband and God (more on that later).... but yesterday I cried more than a few tears of missing my family and friends. Those supportive messages meant so much to me!

When I woke the kids up this morning I was encouraged by the girls' excitement for school, and Stone remembered our bed-time conversation last night wherein I had asked him what prize would be a suitable reward for his courage in going back to school for day two (more clearly stated, "Stone, you name the terms for the bribe"). He thought for a moment about two scoops of chocolate gelato... then remembered the foam battle club at our local market, which he always carries through the store (yes, clubbing the groceries as he walks) and begs for. I accepted. So the deal was that if he got through the school day sitting quietly when it's time to sit, and playing when it's time to play, and not crying, then the "bangy thing" is his. 

Our strategies to help him when he felt bored, lonely or was missing me: 1. Think about Nephi, his hero from the Book of Mormon, who with God's help, did many, many hard things. Stone told himself "I am like Nephi! I can do hard things!" 2. Chant "BANGY THING! BANGY THING! BANGY THING!!" in his mind to stay focused on the goal.

The school day is from 9:00-2:00 with one recess from 11:00-12:00; I had been told by a friend that the little ones would lengthen their stay at school a little at a time, so I told Stone it would be another short day.

When we showed up I was so touched and amazed that he stayed strong and walked back in after yesterday had been so traumatic! Parents weren't allowed past the front door, so one of the secretaries led him by the hand and he walked away (the girls all kissed us and skipped in happily). Then the secretary told me Stone would be released at the same time as the girls - 2:00!! I was extremely distressed by this - he had already gone to class so I couldn't tell him to adjust his expectations - and I immediately made an appointment to talk with the principal. Erik hopped on the bus to go to Cross Fit (I'll have to write about that some time soon - he LOVES it) and get back before the appointment at noon, and I walked home. As I walked I saw a very cheerful-looking mom from the school so I asked about her kids, what she thought of the school, etc., and mentioned the story from the day before - that Stone seemed to have been reprimanded and punished for crying. She looked puzzled and said, "well of course - the teacher has to establish her authority." I was taken aback and said, "well yes, maybe if he were hitting kids or something, but he's four years old and it's a foreign language and a foreign country, so..." and she just laughed and said, "I guess so, but all the little kids cry at the beginning. They have to learn to not do that." 

I walked home quite discouraged but also wondering if maybe we Americans coddle our kids too much. What are the results of each approach? I don't know, but the thought of Stone all alone and needing me was ripping my heart in half and I couldn't focus on anything, so I wanted to be in the house washing dishes, folding laundry, and meditating about the needs of my family.

And two really special things happened:

1. Not long after I walked in the door I started to cry as I imagined Stoney at school crying for his mom, not understanding anything, no one playing with him and the teacher scolding him and grabbing his arm to keep him in from recess. I thought "what have I done to my boy?" and started questioning why we even came to Spain at all - is this doing more good for them or more harm? Was I selfish to do this? Or foolish? I was completely awash in self-doubt and worry for my son, and also felt so alone (Erik gone; all my family and friends sound asleep on the other side of the world). After walking around tidying up and dripping tears for awhile I decided - honestly because there was no one else to talk to - to kneel down and talk to God about it. I just kneeled there at the green couch and cried wordlessly for awhile, the only words that formed to express my feeling was just an earnest PLEASE. Please, please comfort my boy, I kept saying. And I didn't feel anything for awhile. I just kept feeling worried and scared and unsure of what to do... until suddenly the words came to my mind very simply: Stone is ok. It wasn't a real voice but it was like someone told me the words, because it was a different message than the one my mind was stuck on. And I just suddenly knew it was true. I stopped crying, got up and went downstairs to wash dishes, simply being aware that he would survive the 5 hours without damage to his soul, and that either he would be able to stay at the school because it is a good place, or we would take him out. But either way he was just fine and I didn't have to worry any more. I didn't even think of it as an answer to my prayer until awhile later, but it did feel like I was driving my car in one direction, and someone gently reached over and took the steering wheel and turned it in a different direction. 

2. I felt nervous about talking with the principal. Long story short, I decided to go in with an open mind, knowing that the dramatic story the girls told me about the teacher being so mean was likely colored by their feelings when they saw Stone crying, and that the culture here is different and we can learn from it! I also really wanted the school to work out - I had had such a positive feeling about it, so I wrote down my questions and reminded myself to seek first to understand, then to be understood. I also read a few pages of The Art of Possibility by Benjamin and Rozamund Zander, which describes unbelievably difficult situations - usually interpersonal problems - and offers brilliant and hope-filled solutions. Especially the chapter on "Giving an 'A" was really helpful - basically the concept of giving the benefit of the doubt and assuming that people are always doing the absolute best they can do was really applicable. Calmed by my prayer and by Dr. Zander's approach, I walked to the school and met Erik for our meeting. 

It could not have gone any better. The principal was warm, caring and an inent listener. She answered all our questions and understood our concerns, and I especially appreciated her asking us how the school system was different in the states so she could understand the framework we were coming from. Then one of the secretaries who had helped Stone both days came in and offered her input, suggesting something that I had hoped to ask but hadn't yet - that I come pick Stone up early every day. The principal was amenable to the idea, and she even went to talk with the teacher right then to see if it would work. She then stayed with the teacher's class so that the teacher could come talk to us right then, and we found her to be much more open and kind and complementary of Stone than we expected, given the story we'd heard about the day before. As we finished up talking we heard the principal approaching with a familiar little voice, and it was all I could do to not burst into tears right then when I saw his face. He was sobbing, but the teacher said he had done much better - at the moment he was devastated because he had done a drawing of a jelly fish for Erik and he couldn't find it (we found it later in Lindsay's back pack). Anyway...  I could tell it was really good for the principal and teacher to see Stone interact with us. He kept stroking our hair and kissing us and he sat and listened to the rest of our conversation - as in any human interaction it helps so much to see a difficult person in a broader context of who they are, and especially who they are to their parents. We all agreed that it would work well for Stone to have just two hours of classroom time, 9:00-11:00, then an hour of recess, then I will come get him at 12:00. I wanted to hug everyone in the room. :)

Stone and I played together at a park from 12:30-2:00, then picked up the girls, and met Erik at a Jordanian restaurant for "linner." Spaniards eat their big meal at 2:00 and then a light meal before bed. (The food was awesome!!)

I tried to get a picture of Stoney's smile as Erik carried him home - you can kind of see it.