Journal entries by Amy and Erik

I have no photos from the past two days. Erik is in Poland and I haven't stopped moving! One thing I am still getting used to is cooking three full meals (breakfast has to get them through to the big meal, which is right when they get home STARVING from school, and then for some reason everyone is hungry again a few hours later!). :) Since we arrived in Spain Erik has done the lion's share of the dishes (no disposal, no dishwasher) and the sweeping - if even one crumb drops to the ground there are ants swarming within minutes, so the floor has to be swept three times a day. And I just realized today that I don't even know how to work the washing machine - Erik has washed every single load of laundry since we got here! I find it in a clean mountain on our bed, and the kids and I sort it and put it away. I miss him SOOO much but I guess it's good that he left - I know he's wonderful every day but I didn't fully appreciate all the housework he does until right this moment writing this.

Some day soon I'm going to write more about our marriage since we've been here. It makes me weepy with joy.

For now, here's a snapshot of the kids, and then a big long journal entry from Erik.

Stone:
Erik decided that Stone would go to full days of school while I was in France (9:00-2:00 every day). Let it be known that this is NOT a preschool option I would endorse long-term, but we realized that two more hours of Spanish each day will really help him get the language, which he is really excited about... and it's only (less than) three more months. Anyway, he did great! When I picked him up from school at 2:00 yesterday he was curled up into a ball (which made my heart drop for a second), but then he popped up and yelled "SURPRISE!!! I DIDN'T CRY, NOT EVEN OUT OF ONE EYE!!!" And then this charming image, which he meant to emphasize that not even the tiniest of tear drops squeezed out, "I didn't even cry one mouse drop!" Good thing!

Today when I picked him up he was proud to say that he did great, but he did cry once because (and his lip began to quiver) the teacher drew all over his drawing. It turns out she came over and wrote his name on it and made some other marks, so it wasn't anything overly invasive... but I could understand why that upset him. She came over to me, and her comment was "He didn't do as well today. He cried and was very sensitive," which was said in a disapproving tone. I gently reminded her that he has never gone to 5 days of school per week, let alone 5 hours per day, and that he was learning a new language, so he is exhausted and I'm not surprised that he's more sensitive than usual. She was receptive to that thought, but it struck me that she hadn't thought of what he was experiencing. In general I haven't seen teachers here treat children with the dignity and respect that I see at home. And she added "all the other kids sit and color, and Stone just does it for a few minutes and then won't do it any more." I have plenty to say about that but we're here for such a short time I just bite my tongue and say "Okey dokey, we'll work on it! Thank you!" Overall it's (obviously) going SO much better!!!

Oh, and we brought Stone a little metal Eiffel Tower from Paris and he carries it with him everywhere! He even sets it by his plate while he eats. :)

Sophie
Hasn't let me out of her sight since we got back from France. We really missed each other, and the highlight of my day today was going grocery shopping with her. She really lights up with individual attention and is an absolute joy to be with when she's not competing for my ears and arms.

Lucy
Initially struggled with re-entry after Paris (tears all the way to school yesterday, partly because she lost her souvenier Paris pen that she had envisioned having in class... on our way to school we realized that we might have left it in my purse, so Erik rode his bike all the way home and brought it to her like a knight in shining armor!). She got her groove back really fast. She is enjoying her Ballet class and being a near-celebrity at school.

Lindsay
Cried and cried when we came back to Spain - she wailed that her teacher was mean, that she hated school, that she wanted to speak French, not Spanish, that she wants to be home schooled, etc. etc... and last night she was still really upset. She and Stone's adjustment trajectories just crossed each other - it's hitting her how hard this really is for her. She spent hours and hours on homework yesterday and then woke up at 6 am to do more... and still didn't have it complete so she was in a tizzy. (Part of the heaviness of the load is that it's just slower in another language - we often have to look up words and they do some math processes differently.) I wrote a note to her teacher explaining how many hours she'd spent and that she really was giving it a great effort, and happily her teacher wrote back a very complimentary note that Lindsay is a great student, and that if she hasn't finished after two hours she should just stop. Hooray! She feels much better today.

Last, I'm going to paste an email I wrote to Erik this morning because I want to remember it (and this is my journal!):

As we were nearing the door to get to school, all four kids were saying "Why do we have to go to school?" "Why don't you homeschool us?" "This is too hard," etc. I have learned so much and knew that in this situation they just needed a strong leader to get them out the door. When Sophie whined that her legs hurt and her tummy hurt and
said "I can't!" I said "Sophie, you are one of the strongest people I know, and I'm tired of hearing you talk about yourself as if you are weak. You are strong and brave and you can do hard things. Stop saying "I can't" or you're going to start believing that you can't, and it's not true."

Then I gathered everyone around as we walked and I told them about all the articles you and I have been reading about kids who reach adulthood with two big problems: they don't know how to do hard things and they are unhappy. I told them it that in some cases it was because their parents, with good and loving intentions, robbed them of their chance to develop the ability to do hard things, and the self-confidence that comes from knowing you did it yourself! I asked each of them if they had ever done something hard that they didn't want to do, but then accomplished it and felt proud, and they all told a story about themselves. Then I gave them the analogy of a kid struggling to run a race, and the parent comes in and pushes the kid to the finish line so he won't have to struggle. Lucy said "then the kids wouldn't be able to run the next time because his muscles wouldn't be strong enough!" Exactly! And also the kid would feel yucky inside because he would know that it wasn't HIS accomplishment, it was his parent's. I told them "the best thing Daddy and I can do for you besides loving you and hugging you and kissing you and supporting you... is to let YOU develop your OWN ability to do hard things.
Your OWN courage. Your OWN discipline. Then the feelings of pride in yourselves will be your OWN. Not ours." It totally changed the feeling and by the time they got to school I said "bring on the challenges!! We love doing hard things!!"

Stone had been whining a lot earlier so I was nervous about dropping him off (the last time he was with me and you were gone, I let him stay home all day). But the pep talk really energized all of us and I confidently asked him, "Hey I haven't seen you guys go in for awhile! Whose hand do you hold, Stone?" And he happily grabbed LIndsay's hand, they all blew me kisses and marched in like they were on top of the world.

I am so proud of them, so grateful for this experience for them... and so grateful for everything I'm learning through all of this too!!

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And now Erik's, which he wrote on the plane to Poland and sent to his buddies at home:

Here's the low-attention-span version: 

We have been living in Sevilla, Spain since Sept 1. Family is great - we've grown closer. I spend my time working out, being with family, and working on my laptop. I do miss California a lot. I don't like the food or urban feel here, but it's been a real learning experience. Hard, but worthwhile.

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Here's the expansive, over-thought, journal-entry version: I warn you now that it is EXTREMELY long, and WAY too much information. It starts out informational and descriptive, but by the end you are soaking in my neurons! My feelings are not hurt if you don't read further because I wrote this more for myself than anyone else. 

NEIGHBORHOOD: What is it like where we live? Picture an average crappy San Francisco neighborhood: urban, dirty, hectic. Now change Spanish for English. Now take away all of the good food and replace it with ham. Now make the roads cobblestone and bricks. Now drop in a few really old cathedrals and stuff. That's where we live. Here is a streetview of our house: http://goo.gl/maps/Q1Vsf. 

HOUSE: Inside our house is 4 stories. It's HUGE. 5 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms. It's kind of like living inside a mix of a tired old european hotel and an old Utah grandma house - yellow paint, needlepoint on every wall, a collection of wooden ducks - you know what I mean. I do serious battle daily with ants. And the stairs. But really, it's a sanctuary for me compared to the hustle outside. We bought an Ikea rug, an Apple TV, an Xbox (with Lego Stars Wars and I had Madden 13 mailed to me), and the couch is decent. What more do I need? 

FOOD: I don't like any of the food. I'm sorry. It's just doesn't taste good to me. While I'd love to be the kind of person who loves olives and cheeses and salami and beautiful cuts of unsalted stale bread, I'm not. I like chicken burgers with bacon and jalapeños. I like deep dish pizza. I like green curry with brown rice. And I can't get that here very easily. So I end up eating pretty much the exact same thing every day: protein shake in the morning, chicken and brown rice with tikka masala sauce for lunch, outrageously large salad bowl full of spinach and romaine lettuce with 2 cans of tuna and some cesar dressing and balasamic vinegar for dinner, and greek yogurt with granola for some late night casein protein before bed. It's fine. But when I get home I'm going to go Kung Fu Panda gluttony on American food for a week. 

DAILY LIFE: In California I was up by 5:30 each morning to do email and then work out and get the kids ready. Now I'm hopefully up by 8am! We walk or bike the kids to school through winding cobblestone movie-scene-like streets at 9am. Then I sprint-ride my bike 4 miles to the gym (see below), then come home, have main meal with the kids from 2:30 to 5pm, and then I work from 5pm to 1 or 2am. Such a different schedule than home! 

TRAVEL: On the weekends we travel travel travel! Amy to Paris with the older girls. Family to another Spanish town. Right now I'm on a plane to Poland and then on to Serbia and Ukraine. Next weekend Portugal with the whole family. Then to Granada the next. Then Portugal again. Then Morocco. Our goal is to never be home on the weekends!

BEARD: I'm only including this because I have a really gnarly beard. I haven't shaved in months and I'm not sure if I will while I'm here. The beard (and grossly overgrown haircut) is my way of messaging the people around me: don't muck with me, I'm unstable. It's hard to read people with beards - you don't know what you are getting. Fresh clean face? = you probably have responsibilities to attend to. Overgrown beard? = Did you sleep in the street last night? Do you have a knife? I like people around me and my family thinking that I might have a knife. 

EXERCISE: One of the things I was actually excited about in Spain was joining a Crossfit gym - an exercise system I've been excited to try (since I've tried a dozen other ones). I found a gym about 4 miles from my house so I just showed up and got to it. Crossfit (you can google or youtube it for more info) is kind of like sprint olympic power lifting. Or P90X on 2x speed where you are competing against others for time. Now I've done a lot of kinds of exercise and reached a lot of different exercise highs - tears of joy running in Rancho hills, post-ab-ripper elation, yoga-zen, the insanity-buzz. But this Crossfit thing is reaching my soul like nothing else has before. I've never worked harder, and never enjoyed it more. It's absolute BANANAS stuff. I'm sore every day (that's the goal), and I've transformed my body more in the last 30 days than at any other time before (except my first 30 days on P90X where I was also not eating :D). I cry at least once a week after the workout (I hide in a staircase where nobody can see me). I've thrown up once (during "The Seven" LINK). But I always hit a high. I think most of the other people at the gym (usually a group of 4-8 other guys and girls 25-40 years old) are there for the same reason - because we love the feeling of reaching down deep inside to meet ourselves. 

INTL TRAVEL: I know some people were asking why on earth we would uproot and move to Spain. It's a good question, really. Is it worth it? Here's what I now think: it's not a vacation. It's hard. (Cancun was a lovely vacation...) So it's not about that for me. Is it educational and amazing? Sure, for some people. Amy is soaking up the art and atmosphere. But personally, if I want to see cobblestone streets I'll just watch Bourne Identity again. I don't care about old churches. So it's not worth it for that. And we aren't going to take our kids around the world much after this - we want them to experience the planet on their own after high school when they have context and can appreciate it, not like me who saw 20 countries by age 16 and can't appreciate it anymore. I'm also not making friends (well, one - my crossfit coach). And the day-to-day living is really sub-standard to what I prefer. And it's not easy on the kids - somebody is crying about going to school daily. Every day, many times, somebody says "Can we please go home?" So is it worth it? No. It isn't. Save your money and go on fun vacations. Strengthen relationships with people in your current community. Enjoy the superior food and comforts of the USA! Except, that's not who I am. Not who Amy is. We are stupidly curious. We tend to seek out hard experiences because they are just that: experiences. Run 35 miles. Natural child birth. LDS missions. NONE of those are recommendable activities except if you are driven to simply experience, and through those experiences learn about yourself and the world around you. But it only works when pain is learning, and discomfort is fascinating. And if that is who you are, embrace it! If you can't say no to the idea, the newness, the "what will it be like", or the "can I do it?", then you'd be crazy not to move your family across the planet to a scary foreign place. Amy and I didn't really have a choice. And I would NEVER do it again. And I'm glad I did. 

ZEN: [CAUTION: skip this part unless you really want to dive into my crazy brain] I've been really internal and observational in Spain. It's easy to be when you have no friends and you don't always follow the language. So I turn to my own thoughts and questions, and try not to answer myself too quickly. It's been fascinating for me to see and hear and feel what's around me when the noise is turned off. I've been looking at life so differently. It's all been stripped away to where there are only 3 things: family, exercise, work. I have hours and hours each day where I have no expectations placed on my time. I chill. I relax. I think. And I've come to some really important conclusions in my life. First, everything is invented. I read about this concept in The Art of Possibility (http://www.amazon.com/Art-Possibility-Transforming-Professional-Personal/dp/0142001104/) , but never put it into practice until living here. But all of the "should" in my life is replaced with "could". It's been liberating and I've never felt more peaceful. I have lost almost all guilt, all anxiety, all stress, and have greatly diminished my levels of frustration with myself and those around me. Knowing that everything is invented: school, traffic laws, languages, cultural norms, rules, beliefs - all of those things have changed from frictional expectations to wonder-inducing fascinations. I can observe each one and choose them, not be ruled by them. Second zen discovery: everything is the best it can be, and everything that happens is the best that can happen. This is a fundamental Zen philosophy that is hard to grasp in the western world, but I'm getting closer. I grew up with everything being on a spectrum: true vs false, old vs young, good vs bad, healthy vs unhealthy, righteous vs evil. And with that, you can judge everything with a point on that line. This person is "here" on the line. I am "here" on this line. This situation is "here" on this line. But there is another perspective where there is no line - everything is a point. It is exactly the way it is because there is no alternatives, no line, nowhere to move. People are the way they are. But they can change, right? Sure, and when they do, that is the best they can be. And when they don't, that is the best they can be. The whole concept opened up to me powerfully one day when I saw an old woman walking very slowly with a cane across the street. I immediately started the Western judgement thought train: she's walking too slowly. It's so sad she's so old. If she had taken better care of herself she'd be better off now. Then it all stopped and I had this sudden realization that she is exactly where she is. Not where she is supposed to be. Not better than others. Not worse than she could be. She just WAS. And if I had been hit by a car on my bike, that would have been what had happened. Even that was not on a spectrum of better or worse, it just IS. And it went further: things were neither true nor not true - the beliefs of each person were the best (only?) that they could have, and they were true for them. Now, if any of you read this wild paragraph and came away thinking "Ummm... is Erik off his rocker?", I want to reassure you that yes, I'm still going to church :) and no, I'm not becoming a buddhist or anything drastic. And I'm not walking around every second of the day fully present with these ideas, nor do I intend to be. But what I have done is given myself some tools that I believe help me understand the world around me in a more useful way, and perhaps help my kids learn from them as well. When my kids get freaked out about not having finished their homework the day before I just ask them if they did their best, and then remind them that homework is invented, and their teacher is invented. That doesn't mean you don't have to do your homework, or that you can be dismissive to your teacher - it just adds some understanding and context so the kids don't develop anxiety about unimportant things or feel afraid of somebody who may try to unfairly wield influence over them.    Ok - I'm done with the philosophy stuff :D

Well, now you're pretty much caught up with the current physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual state of Erik Allebest.